I always have this feeling that I need to make a change, I need to know what my next step is, and yet I have never had a clear plan.
I was just rereading some old emails. Just over a year ago I was working in a job that I hated more and more every day, and I would write emails to my friend Hillary trying to figure out what my next step would be, how to be happy. One day, i wrote:
I keep thinking: so I’m not happy here… so what DO I want? Its not so clear. I get this muddled image of a life where I write and hike and cook and have beautiful children. That doesn’t really help me come up with a networking strategy or help me decide on what jobs to apply for on Charity Village. I know that if I had that ideal life I would feel cut off, dissatisfied, like all my education was going to waste. But maybe I’m missing the point. Maybe my education was just for me anyway.
I am so much happier now, for many reasons, but it was not quite by design. I just decided to leave, and I did. I applied for a few jobs that I found appealing for a variety of reasons, I accepted the first one that was offered to me.
Will my life always be like that? Or will it become something that I actually design? How many people design their lives precisely? Are they happier than the rest of us? I often feel as if I should be more intentional and strategic in my choices, I should give up more to gain things in the long run, but I never seem to know what to give up and what I’m aiming to gain. Maybe a life where I write and hike and cook and have beautiful children?
